5 year reflections

This memory showed up in my Facebook memories today.   Its something I have been thinking about a lot lately.  We have started to lose track of how long ago THAT year happened.  We have moved on and it is just a part of our past that some more recent friends don't even know about.  But it is still very much a part of who we are.

We have lived in Florida for over 8 years, all 3 kids were born here, after experiencing our first hurricane last year we feel we can our selves Floridians.  We have lived her for 8 straight years, except for that 1 year, technically 10 months.   That one year of Mother's Day portraits that is missing on the wall, because it was the day we left Florida. That one year that gives our life in Florida a pause.  There are the before Illinois years and there are the after Illinois years.   Before Illinois we were a picture perfect little family of 4 chasing after big plans of serving God overseas.  Perfect toddler and baby, and parents ready for adventure and sacrifice.  After the Illinois year we put down roots, bought a house, and became a special needs family, that holds loosely to our plans.

What happen during that year was painful, it shook us to the core, it made us stronger.  It grew our faith as we saw God show up.  And we saw God's faithfulness as he gave us peeks into the next chapter of our life.

God was FAITHFUL- We thought moving to our hometowns would make fundraising for the mission field easy.  What we discovered was it wasn't home anymore and it wasn't easy.  We lived on the money that was coming in for us and prayed for the rest.  We lived with cheap rent on the edge of town with one set of parents and watched God give us things we needed from furniture for our temporary house, to winter clothes for all of us as the kids had never seen snow at that point.  I realized I didn't know how to plan a birthday party in January when it was too cold to go to the park! (Thankfully God helped me out and it was 60 that day and we did go to the park!) One of my favorite stories of his provision is When he gave us a Nigerian hat!  We watched God repeatedly care about the little things in our life.

He was PREPARING us- During that year we had 2 perfect little kids so we thought.  Caleb turned 1 that year and we started watching him closely on the growth charts.  I quit nursing and we switched to formula so we knew he was getting enough, and he was almost a late walker but walked just in time no big deal.  As we reconnected with friends and met new ones I was struck that in this small town we seemed to be meeting an abnormal number of families that dealt with special needs.  Growing up I was around some peers and had compassion and helped those who were mainstreamed in my classes.  But I found it odd, those we connected with the most had extra challenges.  We had no idea that within 2 years of returning to Florida we would begin our own special journey with Caleb but also a short term journey with Andrew who was not in the picture yet.  Those friendships and conversations gave me hope that we too would have a full family life in spite of the challenges that we were facing.

God was GRACIOUS- Bob and I had both grown up close to grandparents.  And living in Florida while they all lived in Illinois meant a very different relationship for our kids.  During that year we were able to make many, many memories with all the grandparents and also 2 sets of great-grandparents.  Memories of sharing everyday moments, not just special holidays.  This meant that later when 3/4 of of the great grandparents passed away, our children, the great grandchildren had memories of their own.  And we had the memories of sharing our children with our grandparents.  Which we will have forever.

God was building MATURITY in us.  What a strange way to take us to the end ourselves.  Let us go sell everything (which we did) and go be missionaries.  But i can honestly say, its the only way he would really have us listening to him.  The missionary dream was always part of our family from the marriage proposal.  OUR 5 year goal was to start a family and go overseas to serve in support roles, we celebrated our 5th anniversary in Illinois.  If God had not killed that dream I know we would still be wondering When?  With that dream being killed we have slowly been able to refocus and really be open to God using us in our place and being committed to this place.  In the Pre-Illinois years we would tell you we are from Illinois and just here in Florida until God sends us somewhere else.  We wouldn't let ourselves buy a house or commit to any long term plans. With 6 months of being back in FLorida we both looked at each other and said "It feels funny but I feel like we should look at buying a house" Something we agreed before was not something we were interested in, we wanted to be free and not tied down, and now we needed roots.

We still get to SERVE.  Within two months of resigning from being missionaries Bob was able to return to his position at the Orlando Mobilization Center and continues to support the equipping and sending of missionaries around the world.  We have also been able to partner with several of our training classmates who did go on to serve around the world and who we get to encourage when they come back for training and visits.

God holds the master plan and we need to be patient for him to share our part with us.  I once heard it said, If you think you calling is to do what someone else is doing, its probably not your calling,  your calling is unique to you!  

The mother they need, not that I want to be.

http://supportforspecialneeds.com

Last year we added our third child to the family and I had a plan on how life would go.  Preschool at home with my two budding geniuses, who were eager to learn, with field trips to the science center, and story-time at the library.  Baby in my lap with brother and sister siting next to me listening well and participating.  This isn't my last year.

The first few months were spent surviving at home with a baby who when awake was screaming, and my other two kids pacified by PBSkids.  11 months later we learn that the baby has milk and soy allergies, and pancreas enzyme deficiency that is causing him to not gain weight.  5 months in to the screaming baby, we start noticing the soon to be 3 year old, still won't still still to color, is uninterested in dressing himself, and still needs a bib for any messy meal.  2 pediatricians later and 3 specialists he is diagnosed with developmental delays, sensory processing disorder and low muscle tone.  He begins 2x week occupational therapy, that i have to sit in the waiting room while he completes.  Leaving little time and no energy for mom to do any organized teaching at home.  Each specialist would tell us, take away his favorite toys, less time on the iPad, he'll grow out of it, do this...  And between my boys' appointments my 4 year old started pre-K which was equally draining with the short school day and drop-offs and pick ups to schedule around.

My life is looking a little different now.  I"m homeschooling the now 5 year old because its too stressful to leave the house with all 3 kids on a schedule every day. The 3 year old still hasn't mastered a spoon, watches and repeats his favorite movie lines over and over, and jumps on the couch so much he got 2 trampolines for Christmas.  He still carries his blanket around and if you don't have it be ready for meltdown.  My baby is now a toddler and starting to do some things my 3 year old struggles with.

The 3, 5 year olds are less tan 2 years apart, I imagined homeschooling them mostly together at the same level, with small differences.  the 5 year old excitedly read her first (leveled reader) chapter book this month, and can do simple addition on her hands.  The 3 year old is still learning to hold a crayon and draw a line.

Its not the life I pictured but I feel a great responsibility to care for my boys and their special gifts.  I am a researcher and Google is my friend.  I was even asked at a meeting if I had an education background for the knowledge I appeared to have.  I will fight for my kids to succeed and get the help and tools they need.  I wasn't planning on this hard work but i'm willing and able.  

Road to Recovery

Many people have expressed concern and checked in with us on how my health is doing.  I am happy to report that I'm doing well and think of examples every week that remind me where I was and how far I have come.  Anxiety has shown up a little more but with some adjustments its under control.

On days that i feel worn out I still have the energy and compassion to care for our children.  I didn't realize how much I had defaulted to Bob taking care of them, when I didn't feel like it.

Recently the kids and I went to SeaWorld for the morning, Lydia had been asking.  Not only did we survive the trip but we all had fun and mommy still had some energy left to make dinner.

We have had added some extra stress to our lives in choosing to purchase a house right now.  During our searching most the paperwork fell to me and although it was overwhelming at times, I was always better the next day.  I didn't take me 3+ days to recover from the stressful day.

Life is good, I know I am enjoying life again instead of surviving it.

1 year of faith

Its been a year.  I spent last mothers day sharing at a church in Tallahassee FL with our SUV in the parking lot hooked up to a 6x12ft trailer carrying all our possessions.  We ate lunch with some friends and hit the road heading north in an adventure of faith.  A year ago the plan was to live near family raise our budget and by fall be boarding a plane for Africa.  God had other ideas.  Here we are back where we started, back where didn't intend to return at least not long term.

It hit me like a tone of bricks sitting in church on Mother's Day Sunday, realizing that we never intended to be here right now.  This wasn't our plan.  But here we are.  Now the hard work begins and we feel the gaps, "no we weren't here last year for ____"

I feel the holes of missed experiences.  God is in control and it wasn't an accident we spent the last year living by faith.  But we didn't expect to be back where we started.  Its hard to see the big picture when right now the big question is, why there is this "hole year" in our life.  The year we floated between our families, the year we didn't have a home, the year we were nomads, the year our mail came to 3 addresses, the year we relied on God, the year God grew our faith.  

New Blog Name!

I have redesigned the blog and made some changes to it recently, mostly in keeping with the change our direction or family is taking in ministry.  In January we shared how God was redirecting us out of faith-supported overseas missions and to a stable place back in Orlando, at least for now.  Our blog over the last year was a place for us to write and keep partners updated about the work we were doing in preparing to serve in Nigeria.  The blog existed before our mission work and it will continue to exist.

The blog has grown to be place for me to really write and share with others.  At the beginning of the year I felt God calling me to grow the blog and be intentional about using in the coming year.  I put any planning and dreaming on hold until we figured out our new direction and could get settled which leads us to now.  I was praying for a new name that would be more descriptive of the changes in our life and the content of our blog.  I feel God gave me the name, "failed missionaries living faith filled lives"  Here'n Now was the name of our missionary newsletter, with a play on our last name.

Many people have questioned the "failed" in the title.  I don't like it either as a word to describe our career change, but I do like the phrase.  "failed missionaries living faith-filled lives"  One of the leading causes for a missionary to leave the field is burnout of their work and faith.  We didn't have this happen to us.  Instead the last year has grown our faith.  We saw God work in our lives personally in a way we never expected, and also those around us.  In having the depression arise that most immediately led to our change we have received only the greatest care and support from our organization as we have transitioned.  We very well could have been kicked to the curb since we weren't full members having not completed our fundraising.  We were not, I am receiving counseling through our organization, Bob's old position in the organization opened up and we are looking for other ways to stay involved.

On paper our career as missionaries failed, at least for now, but it left us with even more faith in our everyday lives and and even greater passion for world missions and Bible translation and that is what our new name and blog direction is going to be.  Writing about the God moments we get to experience, witness, hear and share.  God is sovereign and we wouldn't be in a place to write what we are if it not for the trials and difficult times we have had over the last year but we have let the experience grow us instead of break us.

my 2 cents about Ann Romney

I don't usually chime in on politics but the controversy of this article and own current transition made my blood boil.  The commentator is suggesting that Romney's wife is unqualified to talk about women in the workplace because she was a stay at home mom, and never had a "real" job.  Ann Romney joined Twitter specifically to respond to these comments.

I am currently working through my own transition from trying to be more than just mom: I failed miserably and now our whole family is working to get back something normal.  I was getting in the groove of being a mom, my daughter was almost a year and the baby itch was starting.  Then an opportunity came up for us to pursue a dream of serving as missionaries overseas and we went for it! At the same time we got pregnant with #2.  I thought it would be no big deal to have 2 kids under 2, to make a drastic career change and move our family overseas.

Then it all started to happen and quickly I began to feel like I was on a runaway train that wouldn't stop.  Parenting two kids is not easier than parenting one: Nursing, Diaper Changes, and naps for the infant do take up a lot of time and energy as does entertaining, discipline, feeding and instructing a toddler.  How was I suppose to give my kids the attention they craved and also focus full time on our career change and international move?

Thats when it all hit me that the explosions I would have at my husband at the end of each weekend speaking trip weren't a normal part of adjustment.  They were symptomatic of something bigger.  Something I had run from for 10 years was showing up again with vengeance, and this time the stakes were higher. I had to come to terms that I'm not super-mom, and I was suffering from Depression as a result.

We have changed course and settled in to a more stable life now and I'm adjusting to being just a Stay-At-Home Mom.  Except every day I find myself looking for things that can make me more than "just a mom".  Then I have to remember that I tried that and I failed.  Mom really is a full time job that takes as much energy as any other employment opportunity, if not more because there is overtime.

Right now for our financial situation it would be a lot better if I found work but then I would have to find and pay childcare, and find and pay for a vehicle (we are a 1- car family, always have been), and still try and fit in at least a few of the home tasks around my other job: no thanks, I already tried that and  it didn't work for us.  So would me working really contribute to the family finances if I have to pay for a car and childcare just to work?

There was a set of articles I read in a inter-cultural communications class while in college.  It talked about 5 traits of being feminine and masculine.  To summarize: to be masculine included traits about being strong and providing and choosing cars over dolls.  The last of the points for being feminine was, as I remember, that there is no definition of being feminine.  Some people say being feminine is wearing skirts and staying home and having babies.  Others say its rejecting that and climbing the corporate ladder and making our intellect count in the business world.

So as I make this transition back to just being mom I find myself asking a question.

What is normal and where do I fit as a modern woman?

Cynthia's Thoughts: Abraham's Year of Faith

Right now I feel like we can relate to Abraham's faith. It's been one year since we officially began our membership with Wycliffe, a chapter which will be coming to a close in a couple weeks. Check out what happened in one year of Abraham's life!

When Abram was ninety-nine years old, God showed up...

 God gave him the vision that he would be the father of many nations, God gave him and his wife new names, and he circumcised his family and household as God commanded.  He entertained 3 mysterious visitors who prophesied that Sarah would be give birth to a son with a year (at the ripe old age of 90). He reasoned with God not to destroy the cities of Sodom and Gommorah because his nephew Lot lived there.  Angels warned Lot and his family to get out and they did but his wife looked back and she was turned to salt.   Abraham packed up his family and household and moved to Negev.  For fear of having his wife taken away he pretended she was his sister when the King took her for a wife, God warned the King in a dream that she was a married woman.

Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Issac was born.

In that one year God showed up a lot in Abraham's life.  He spoke to him directly and send angels.  Abraham saw God's provision and God answered his prayers. Sounds kind of like our 2011 minus the visits from angels at least none that I know of ;-) But this whirlwind of faith building experiences was just the beginning.  Abraham had no idea what he would soon be asked.  Soon after Isaac was weaned and after Abraham had another run in with the King, who saw Abraham's faith this time. 

He [God] said, "Take your dear son Isaac whom you love and go to the land of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains that I'll point out to you." 

Abraham's faith had been so built up through the other experiences of his life including the 99th year that he really could trust God to work it out.  He couldn't see what God was going to do, but he knew God gave him his son, he knew God was going to make him the father of many nations, and he knew God told him to go make this sacrifice.  This wasn't a one time faith event for Abraham, God had been building his faith so it was simple obedience and trust in God's character that gave Abraham the strength to obey God's commands when he couldn't see the outcome.  

God has made Himself real to us this past year as we have seen Him so clearly meet every need we had and even above that.  As we change directions and look for a job and a house to settle into we are able to completely trust Him again because He prepared our faith throughout the last 12+ months. We don't know what's next, but we know God has something positive for us.


How has God energized your faith recently?

linking up with Better Mom Mondays, Motivation Mondays

Cynthia's Thoughts: "I am the same God"

God continued, "I'm the same God who brought you from Ur of the Chaldees and gave you this land to own." Genesis 15:7 MSG


This verse was in my reading plan for today.  God and Abram are discussing God's vision for Abram.  Abram at the age of 90+  was being told he would have many descendants when he did not yet have a single child of his own.  God was giving him a plan that he could not see the logical steps to it being fulfilled.  But the God reminds Abram what he has all ready done for him.  God can do God-size things that are beyond us.

This new year is bringing some unexpected change and direction to our family.  At the moment we don't know exactly what the future holds other than it is vastly different than what we thought a month ago.  Last year we took a leap of faith and saw God meet all our needs in ways we didn't expect.  And here we are again needing to step out in faith in a new direction.

It would be so easy for us to freak out and stress out over the numerous unknowns we are facing, yet we find ourselves strangely calm as we remember what God has already done for us.  If God can do all that he did for us in 2011, surely he can work things out for us in 2012.  

Cynthia's Thoughts: Change vs Transition

The last 6 months have been a roller coaster for me. We moved from our first family home in Florida to Bob's parents property in Illinois. Our new home is in a city that we went to college in and each called home for several years. Yet as we returned it didn't feel like home. The people we had known before had moved on or away and the places where we expected to fit in we didn't. And in the midst of finding a new home in this city we were traveling constantly. We were met everyday with unexpected reasons it didn't feel like home. We couldn't escape to SeaWorld for a getaway day, we had to drive over an hour to go to our favorite stores. Our date night dinner options were limited. The leaves were falling in October and not December, that fallen log in the lake was not an alligator, constant reminders of what we left behind.

     One of our missionary friends attended training for their future assignment and wrote about Transition. Change is the external move to a new place while transition is the internal change. They don't always happen at the same rate. Finally after a crazy 6 months we have been not traveling for the past month and can focus on the transition to life in IL now that the change has happened. I read a blog this morning from a missionary mom in Niger who shared after 11 years in Africa she gets homesick every year in the fall. Each year she chooses “a process of confession, choosing contentment, thankfulness and praise.” I'm looking forward this Advent season to choosing this process.

      Jim Elliot a noted missionary once said, “Wherever you are, be all there.” I want to be all here in our new chapter of transition in Illinois. We cherish the memories from our years in Florida, we look forward to our life in Nigeria, but we live and embrace the live we are living in Illinois.  As I wrote our Holiday newsletter which is in the mail now, I was overcome with emotion as I documented the goodness of God in our lives.  As our plans turned out to be different that we initially thought, we could see God working in us and his goodness and Grace to us.  For all of that I am grateful and I wouldn't change it for the world.  

Cynthia's Thoughts: Christmas Recap

December was a special time in our house. We focused on Advent as a preparation of our hearts to celebrate Jesus' miracle birth. Lydia was old enough to begin to “get it”. We attended a Christmas musical at our church. We read Christmas stories and talked about Jesus being a baby. Since then she pretends to be baby Jesus curling up in the toy basket with a blanket.

Our schedule has been insane this year and it was special to be able to sit still and focus on being a family and the simple routine of being home. Right now God has Emmanuel has been special to me. “God is with us” As I have done some reading this year one of the unique points of Christianity is the humility and relationship our God has with us. Other religions are about doing things to impress God or being good enough. Our God choose to come to us, in our world and be a mere human. God gives us grace because he loves us. No other religion includes Grace.

As we look forward to 2012 more change is on the way for the Heren family. But above all we know God is in control, nothing surprises God, and God is outside time as we know it.  

New Year's Eve hike at Giant City Park

Hearts at Home Blog Hop: Journey of Motherhood

I'm a new Hearts at Home blogger!  Hearts at Home seeks to encourage, educate, and equip every mom in every season of motherhood using Christian values to strengthen families. I'll be blogging each month for them and might someday have a great resource to giveaway! 

Today's questions is When did you realize that you weren’t alone on this journey called Motherhood?

I don't think I have ever felt more alone in motherhood than I do in this transition season our family is in. We moved 6 months ago from the only home our kids had ever had to be near family as we prepare to serve as missionaries in Nigeria. Women need relationships to thrive and its a process to find other moms to be in community with. It takes time and I'm impatient and want it now and quick. It takes time for the roots of a relationship to go down deep and knit two people together in friendship.

Just before I became a mom, my husband got a new job which required us to move. So we packed up and moved, 7 months pregnant to a new home in a new city. I had all kinds of questions with this huge change in such a short time. We went from a 1 bedroom apartment to a 3 bedroom house, I had to find a new Doctor and fast, we had more space so I suddenly got to decorate a nursery. Lots of decisions and change in a short time.

When we visited the new company a month before we moved, one of his co-workers knew we were expecting and gave me the info for her playgroup. I was excited to have some resources I could call right away. And call them I did. They helped me find an OB, and invited me to their play-dates even before my child could play. That group of moms became some of my best friends during our time living in Orlando.

One of the best parts of this group was the website one of the husbands help make. We could share with each other and ask questions to the group without having to find the time to meet in person. We share prayer requests, plan our playdates, and stay connected.  Now that we have moved away from this group of friends I am thankful that I can still participate online with them. Even though we aren't in the same state anymore, Being a mother has the same struggles everywhere.

As a mom the hardest part is being interrupted by my kids' needs, have you thought of all the interruptions Jesus had from people asking for miracles and prayer? Check out Hearts at Home's book “Real Moms Real Jesus”  There is a Facebook Book Study starting the first of the year.

Check out what some of the other moms have to say about motherhood!

Testify: Winter Clothes

We are realizing how much we have become Floridans as we adjust to the crisp fall weather.  We are also realizing how inadequate our wardrobes are for the cooler temps.  Since we are living by faith and have no guarantee of the size of our paycheck, planning a shopping spree was going to be difficult.

I began praying for warm clothes for the kids a few weeks ago, and God has shown up.

• We received our monthly check from Wycliffe of the gifts that had been given to us during the previous month and were able to budget money for each of us to buy the clothes we need for the cold weather ahead.  
• the next day, when we dropped the kids of a daycare recently the woman was preparing for a garage sale and had all her kids clothes laid out, she has a son and daughter both bigger than our kids.  She let us go through the piles free of charge.  We came home with 2 bag of clothes for the kids.  
• About a week later there was a 3 day consignment sale in the area, and I was able to pick up the rest of what the kids needed at very reduced prices.  

Cynthia's Thoughts: Martha & Mary

Recently I have begun reading the Message, a Bible Paraphrase for my daily Bible reading, the modern language that is used, makes the scriptures come alive and I have been able to read the stories and see new things. This is one of the new things I saw when reading John 11

The first time we are introduced to Mary and Martha (Luke 10) it is Mary who is siting with Jesus and Martha who is working for Jesus to busy to serve and caught in the urgent tasks instead of the eternally important. Jesus corrects Martha and encourages her to be more like Mary, sitting at his feet listening.

The next time we see Mary and Martha (John 11) is when Lazarus has died and Jesus comes 4 days later. This time it is Martha who is at the gate eager to meet Jesus, and Mary who must be told Jesus has arrived and pulled from mourning with her friends to see him.

Before Mary is told Jesus has arrived Martha and Jesus have a conversation about Martha's faith and the timing of Jesus' arrival to the death of Lazarus. Jesus tells her Lazarus will be resurrected and that he is resurrection and Life. She tells Jesus “All along I have believed that you are the Messiah, the Son of God who comes into the World” (John 11:27 MSG)

When Jesus spoke to Martha about sitting at his feet instead of serving him, He spoke to her heart and it changed her. Jesus' words spoke to her soul. 

 Mary was caught in the moment, she was caught in the moment to listen to Jesus, and she was caught in the moment to mourn her dead brother. Mary didn't have the same life changing experience that Martha had, even though they were both in the same room. Martha was focused on Jesus regardless of her situation because her soul had been changed when Jesus spoke to her. 

When Jesus speaks to your soul it changes you forever, you can never see things the same way as you did before.

Snapshot Sunday: Mommy & Me

Its rare that I am in a picture, and even rarer that I like the picture.  Bob took this one at a church picnic last week.  The coloration on the picture was off, and I editted it some more and really like how it turned out.

Cynthia's Thoughts: Walking WITH the Lord

Luke 24:13-15, NIV
13 Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus... As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them

August was a tough month for us. We had to change course from attending training, we had to make good use of our now vacant calender, we discovered I was having some negative side effects to some medication I was on, and a trip we had planned to see people and present was canceled at the last minute.

We were also able to meet some new students from Africa at the university, help with VBS, attend life group for the first time, celebrate Caleb's birthday with our families, have friends over for dinner at different times, all things that wouldn't have happened if we were at training in NC.

Our plans changed but God was not absent, he is working on us and in us. He is walking with us and not waiting for us in Nigeria. We are where he wants us. And we need to do is stop rushing and walk with him in this place as well. We need to stop and wait on God to guide our next steps.

Please pray with us, we want God to order our steps so that they are fruitful and intentional.