Identity

As I've continued to ask God why He has called us back from our attempt to join Wycliffe as full-time missionaries, I've had an insight that I wanted to share.

Early in college I identified what I felt was a calling to missions, and I prepared for it throughout my college years (my degree was in the role I wanted to fulfill on the mission field, and I spent each summer in a different overseas missions project, trying out different options). I married Cynthia because she identified that she felt a call to missions on her life, too, and was willing to live such a life with me. Each stage of my employment experience was chosen with the intent to prepare myself for what I expected to do in missions, until I was working as a paid employee for Wycliffe in Orlando. For all this time (8 years or so), my personal self-image was more and more set into this being what I wanted to be: a full-time cross-cultural missionary. That's who I thought of myself as.

Now, that personal identity is gone; not going to be possible, at least in the foreseeable future. I was forced to realize that I didn't have much to replace it. I would have never said it, but the idea of being "just" an ordinary person living an ordinary life seemed rather boring to me. Nothing wrong with it, just not for me. Now, here I am, with that being the only path I see before me. What kind of an identity is it to just be doing the same things as everyone else?

But that's not what my identity is supposed to be: I'm supposed to find my identity not in what I do, but in my relationship with God. The fulfillment of being His child and knowing Him is all I'm supposed to look to for my identity. I've heard this before, but it didn't really sink in. When I get wrapped up in thinking of myself as special and gifted and impressive, a change of direction such as I experienced is quite a shock. I realize, though, that it was likely the only jolt that could've forced me into finding my self-image in how God sees me. I guess it was a lesson I needed to learn.

Moving Forward

This post will be a little more of a personal reflection than most. We're finally reorganizing our lives a little bit: the blog here hasn't been getting as much priority anymore. Cynthia has been spending more time with the kids and cutting down on obligations that contribute to her overall stress level, so the blog has kind of taken a backseat for that reason. I'm also busy keeping everything going and with some other projects that I'm working on, such as the website design job that Cynthia mentioned previously.

As for me, some days are still difficult: I ask myself why God had us invest so much effort and physical and emotional energy in something that didn't work out (and I ask Him the same thing). I ask myself if it was all my fault: something I failed to do or did wrong, but I don't think it was. Obviously we didn't do everything perfect and if given another chance I would do some things much differently, but none of our mistakes were to the level of disqualifying us from service. I've sincerely asked God about it, and He's never told me anything that was "the cause" for us to not make it to the mission field and have to give up. That comforts me. I reflect that I would be a terrible father if I punished my kids for something they did wrong and then refuse to tell them what it was that they're being punished for: I don't believe God does that either. If this was all punishment from God, He would've told me why: since He hasn't, I don't have any reason to feel guilty.

I still feel a sense of shame that I declared what I thought would happen and pursued what I felt was called to, and our naysayers (there weren't many, but there were a few) were the ones who were proved correct, and all the wonderful people who supported us and encouraged us so much were proved wrong. I feel like I owe a debt to all of you, many of whom are still reading this blog, that I now can't fulfill. I'm sorry, although I know you'll tell me I don't need to be. I need to say it anyways.

Our lives aren't over, and I'm not spending much time brooding over the past or "what might have been". I'm certain that at the end of my life (or at least when I look back on it from heaven) I'll see why this was all necessary, and truthfully we had some great experiences getting to spend time with people and share the vision of Wycliffe. The kids got to spend priceless time with their grandparents that would've been impossible otherwise. There's lots of things to be thankful for from this past year, but I can't pretend that at this time the death of my dream doesn't still hurt. It does. I'm still hopeful to see where God leads us to go from here. We're still moving forward.

New and Improved?

I've become interested recently in history and have found some excellent podcasts that are teaching me some fascinating history lessons. I've listened to several great ones about Roman history recently. In a podcast I listened to yesterday, the narrator made a point that I thought was excellent in understanding the mindset of Ancient Rome. He said (paraphrasing), “In order to understand Roman thought, you have to understand that they thought everything was deteriorating all the time. To them, what was old was automatically good, and something “new” was automatically inferior.” This is antithetical to modern Western culture, where advertisers are always portraying things as “new and improved”; to a Roman, that would've been nonsensical. In Rome, even when the great consuls and emperors were reinventing the government in new ways, they had to find convoluted ways to justify it as “bringing back” something that had been done before (even if it wasn't).

I'd never thought of this contrast before, so to hear him say it got me thinking. I see this tension in our culture today: there's a segment of the political and cultural world that views everything “new” as automatically worth trying and worth throwing themselves into (even if it doesn't solve a real problem and is just activity for the sake of activity). The contrast is that the other camp views everything old as unquestionably superior, and views anything new with suspicion, or even outright hatred. There are Christians in both camps. I'm inclined to think that neither one is particularly correct. I think God is always doing new things, so “new” isn't necessarily to be despised, but at the same time, there is much value in recognizing the tried-and-tested wisdom of tradition and history.   

In Christianity these days there are people doing many varied projects around the world: some are trying new things, some are continuing the same way that has been done for decades, or even centuries. Sometimes the two camps despise each other; one is "old-fashioned and out-of-touch", while the other is "compromising the Gospel" and "faddish". But labels like that don't help anyone: there's value in both approaches depending on circumstances. Wherever God has us, we need to be satisfied and committed where we are, but not put down those God has led to be involved elsewhere.

Translator by Necessity

To read the whole Bible in a year you have to read an average of 3 chapters a day. Some of you have perhaps done that, and know how much time and effort it requires. Now imagine that while you're reading, you're also writing those 3 chapters out by hand as you read them. Now, further, imagine that you are translating it into a different language as you work, checking for accuracy as you go.

During Bob’s trip a year ago to Nigeria, one of the projects the team visited was the Bwaatye. A Lutheran bishop became a translator out of necessity. he saw the need for his parishioners to have the Bible in their own language. They could read it in English or the local trade language, but those words couldn’t speak to them as strongly as their mother tongue. The problem was that Bwaatye did not have a written form. The Bishop's wife was uniquely qualified to assist her husband: as a professor of linguistics at a local university, she created a writing system for her husband to use as he began translating the Bible.  He began writing out the Bible in Bwaatye by hand, in his spare time, and only recently discovered there were resources to help him including The Seed Company

Working with The Seed Company has allowed him to hire assistants and also to have a computer and specialized software to do his translation.  Having his work in electronic form makes it simpler to revise sections as they review them, quicker to send sections to consultants so they can be checked for accuracy and precision, and easier to get books printed as sections are completed. He was committed to seeing the Scripture in his own language when he thought he would need to do it by hand and alone. It is a joy to consider how much faster the Bwaatye people will have it with the help of technology.

Passing on Technology

Bob is now back at Orlando working in the main office. While it's nice to be back in comfortable surroundings and working with modern equipment, we still feel doubts: we wish we could be overseas, serving in the "real work". Although we know consciously that the work God has us doing here in the US is just as vital in the big picture, it doesn't feel the same (to our pride and self-image).

It's nice to get occasional reminders and encouragements of how we fit in the big picture of the hundreds of Bible translations going on around the world. One way the IT department of Wycliffe USA supports language projects is by donating laptops that are rotated out of use by the US staff. They are sent out to translation projects that request them. By US business and technology standards the computer may be old, but national translators are glad to update their ancient computers. Recently Bob's team received this note from a team in Nepal who was recently given one of the laptops.

Thanks for your prayer and support to our Project . We got the computer along with its battery and cds. It's very helpful for our work. Thank you for it. Before we had two computers but those were really really old and did not work properly. Your donation came at the perfect time and will be very useful. We start our next translation training session in just two weeks. Please remember us in our prayers and thank you for your support. 

In Him, thanks, Peter

An appeal from Nigeria

During my trip to Nigeria last summer, I met a man who worked in the office of the primary Nigerian Bible translation organization, NBTT. I am not printing his name for security purposes, but he impressed all of us with his sincerity, earnestness and competence. Here is an email that I received from him yesterday:


Greetings to you in Jesus name Amen.
I will like you to intercede for Christians in the northern Nigeria for the series of suicide bombing on churches. the last one a week today was just four blocks to my house and three churches in Kaduna state today.
Christians in Nigeria need your prayers so that God will comfort and strengthened us always. I know many of us will be  asking if God really cares because of what is happening around us day and night, i believe this is the moment that the Nigerian Christians need you prayers the most. please pray for Us.
You can ask other believers to pray along side with us.
Thank you and remain blessed.


He's referring to the bombings reported here. Please join me in praying for these brothers and sisters in Christ who are in so much danger for the sake of Jesus' name. This is what Jesus told us would happen throughout history, and it is our responsibility to support those who are dealing with such intense, fearful circumstances.


God, I pray that You will comfort those who are grieving, as you promised in your Word. Please strengthen and uphold those who are being pursued by the enemy, and please help them know that You are with them and will never forsake them. Please deepen their faith and give them courage to respond rightly to those who hate You, and who hate them for Your sake. Please protect them and watch over them. I commit them to you, and pray that I may be able to have even a fraction of the courage that they show on a daily basis. Amen.

Memories of Toronto

I've been reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  Its a wonderful book and her writing style draws you in to the story to sit, listen and hang on every word.  As we are at a transition point in our lives the book is a great encouragement to see gifts from God all around you in the mundane and everyday.  I'm in chapter 10 when the story she shares catches me off guard.  She shared about how an opportunity presents itself for her to be a chaperone on a youth trip to Toronto with her church, none of her children were in the youth group yet.  Toronto was a bad memory in her past and she sees this trip as way to redeem it for herself.  She is from Canada so a trip to Toronto didn't seem strange or significant until she mentions the ministry they were partnering with, Center for Student Missions (CSM).

As a freshman in High School one of the experiences I was most looking forward to was the tradition in our church of Go & Serve, a annual missions trip for High School Students.  My first Go & Serve experience was to Toronto serving for a week with CSM.  As I read Voskamp's account of her own experience it made me think about my own and how it became a part of me.

Some of things I still remember from that trip was learning how to really see the homeless that we were serving. We learned how important shoes are to the homeless because they are on their feet all time and exposed to the elements. Entertainment is not a luxury but a necessity, a person's walkman was a valued possession and helped them pass the time.  We learned to see the people we were serving in 3-D, the circumstances that led them to living on the streets is more complex than we realize.

As I look back on that experience and the training that was given to us while we were serving I would say it contributed to my world view.  It never seemed like enough to give some money to a mission but to want to serve time as well.  The teaching moments we experienced I have carried with me and remember whenever we have the opportunity to serve our community whether its distributing food at the local food pantry or a service day with drama and food and clothes to give away.

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Tell Me a Story

Faith Filled Fridays

1 year of faith

Its been a year.  I spent last mothers day sharing at a church in Tallahassee FL with our SUV in the parking lot hooked up to a 6x12ft trailer carrying all our possessions.  We ate lunch with some friends and hit the road heading north in an adventure of faith.  A year ago the plan was to live near family raise our budget and by fall be boarding a plane for Africa.  God had other ideas.  Here we are back where we started, back where didn't intend to return at least not long term.

It hit me like a tone of bricks sitting in church on Mother's Day Sunday, realizing that we never intended to be here right now.  This wasn't our plan.  But here we are.  Now the hard work begins and we feel the gaps, "no we weren't here last year for ____"

I feel the holes of missed experiences.  God is in control and it wasn't an accident we spent the last year living by faith.  But we didn't expect to be back where we started.  Its hard to see the big picture when right now the big question is, why there is this "hole year" in our life.  The year we floated between our families, the year we didn't have a home, the year we were nomads, the year our mail came to 3 addresses, the year we relied on God, the year God grew our faith.  

Word Changed Everything - Giveaway Winner!

Its great to see some new faces show up on my blog.  I used Random.org and the winner is #3

Laura @ BeholdingGlory.com said...

Oh, and I'm grateful to be your newest follower. :) I love your heart for the Lord!

April 25, 2012 8:58 PM 

Please email me at cynthia at herenfamily dot com with your address to receive the book.  Thanks to Stem Int'l for sponsoring the giveaway.  

Forgive My Enemies - video

The Word of God is ALIVE and ACTIVE in changing peoples lives. One week before the dedication of the Gospel of Luke, three hundred homes in the village of Bambalang, Cameroon, were burned by a neighboring village. But hearing Scripture in their own language has brought comfort and forgiveness.

Don't forget to enter to win a copy of These Words Changed Everything: Startling News that Rebuilt a Maya Worldview.  Enter HERE

Failed Missionaries?

It was about three weeks ago that Cynthia first mentioned to me the new title that God gave her as the heading for our blog: "failed missionaries living faith-filled lives". At first I didn't like it for the same reasons as many of our friends, because I struggle with being labeled as a "failure", and because I don't feel like we are a failure in God's eyes. However, as time has gone on the title has grown on me, so let me present our reasoning behind it.

You will notice throughout this post that I write "failure" in quotation marks, because we're simply using it as a label, we aren't saying that it's the only (or even the most accurate) way to describe ourselves or what we were trying to do over the past year.

My greatest fear has always been failure: as a kid I was someone who was athletic and fairly smart, and so I was usually able to master most things I tried without too much effort and without too much risk. Anything I wasn't sure about I would just avoid. I can't stand making a fool of myself in front of other people. It was a very real fear that I had to face when we started the big, scary, intimidating partnership development process: what if I'm not successful? Could I still look myself in the mirror and still consider myself a person? Would it destroy my identity and my self-image?

As things played out, I don't feel like either Cynthia or I failed in what God gave us to do: we did our best and what caused us to change direction was wholly outside of our control. I prayed about whether we should just grit our teeth and keep pushing through and I really, honestly felt God tell me not to; He told us to change direction and put our dreams away (maybe on hold, maybe for good). That's not giving up or quitting.

So what do you do when what you step out in faith, do what it felt like God had told you to pursue, and it doesn't work out? To an outside observer, it does appear to be "failure". What should we do with that? As far as we look at it personally, we aren't treating it as a failure: we're understanding that God simply has different purposes for us than we expected.

However, as we are hoping this blog can become a testimony and a ministry to others, I believe God has given Cynthia and I an experience to be used to encourage others who are either on the verge of pursuing a dream God has given (and are afraid of what will happen if it doesn't work out) or who have had a similar disillusioning, confusing experience where they tried, but things didn't turn out the way they expected. That fear of "failure" in the eyes of parents, peers, friends, neighbors, etc is a very real pressure.

Our story, and our reaction to the "failure" of our dream, is an illustration that God is faithful even if the worst happens and it comes to nothing. Instead of fearing the label "failed", we are embracing it, and using it to tell others that if they succeed, God will be there for them, but also if they "fail" God will still be there, and will strengthen them to lead faith-filled lives no matter where they end up. That's all God calls any of us to do: whether that ends up looking like "success" or "failure" in the eyes of the world or other Christians or anyone is up to God.


Don't forget to enter to win a copy of These Words Changed Everything: Startling News that Rebuilt a Maya Worldview.  Enter HERE

New Blog Name!

I have redesigned the blog and made some changes to it recently, mostly in keeping with the change our direction or family is taking in ministry.  In January we shared how God was redirecting us out of faith-supported overseas missions and to a stable place back in Orlando, at least for now.  Our blog over the last year was a place for us to write and keep partners updated about the work we were doing in preparing to serve in Nigeria.  The blog existed before our mission work and it will continue to exist.

The blog has grown to be place for me to really write and share with others.  At the beginning of the year I felt God calling me to grow the blog and be intentional about using in the coming year.  I put any planning and dreaming on hold until we figured out our new direction and could get settled which leads us to now.  I was praying for a new name that would be more descriptive of the changes in our life and the content of our blog.  I feel God gave me the name, "failed missionaries living faith filled lives"  Here'n Now was the name of our missionary newsletter, with a play on our last name.

Many people have questioned the "failed" in the title.  I don't like it either as a word to describe our career change, but I do like the phrase.  "failed missionaries living faith-filled lives"  One of the leading causes for a missionary to leave the field is burnout of their work and faith.  We didn't have this happen to us.  Instead the last year has grown our faith.  We saw God work in our lives personally in a way we never expected, and also those around us.  In having the depression arise that most immediately led to our change we have received only the greatest care and support from our organization as we have transitioned.  We very well could have been kicked to the curb since we weren't full members having not completed our fundraising.  We were not, I am receiving counseling through our organization, Bob's old position in the organization opened up and we are looking for other ways to stay involved.

On paper our career as missionaries failed, at least for now, but it left us with even more faith in our everyday lives and and even greater passion for world missions and Bible translation and that is what our new name and blog direction is going to be.  Writing about the God moments we get to experience, witness, hear and share.  God is sovereign and we wouldn't be in a place to write what we are if it not for the trials and difficult times we have had over the last year but we have let the experience grow us instead of break us.

The Easy Choice

Bob started his new job at Wycliffe last week.  We want to share how God has faithfully provided this job and answered our specific prayers.  Bob applied for a dozen jobs in January while we waited to see where God wanted us.  He prayed that God would provide the job we needed, and also that God would make it clear what direction He wanted us to go now by what job He provided, and would make the choice easy. Bob also called his supervisor from Wycliffe, the job he left in April  2010 to focus on our partnership team in preparation to serve in Nigeria.  She did not know any potential openings in his old department, so we applied elsewhere.  Bob quickly got a call back from another position in Orlando and began the interview process.  These interviews provided us hope as we waited for an offer.  Bob received positive feedback and completed 4 of 5 interviews.

Then we got a call.  There was an unexpected opening in his old department. Bob applied and was quickly offered the position.  He was also still in the running for the other position. Both jobs had attractive qualities.  We were waiting to finish the interview process, when we got an email informing Bob that the other position was pursuing another candidate and not Bob.  Suddenly we had only one offer, and the decision was easy; just as Bob had prayed.

We are excited to be back at the Wycliffe USA Mobilization Center in Orlando, as we continue to support Bible Translation around the world with IT and our blogging.

Last week we got to share our passion with some friends from Carbondale.  Eboni and Kyla visited us during Spring Break.  Eboni realized how much we take having accessible scripture for granted when so many people desire it but still have to wait.

Why is the Bible important to you?

Who are the Vidunda?

OneVerse is a program of the Seed Company (TSC), part of the Wycliffe family of organizations, that gives you the opportunity to be directly involved in Bible translation.  They support translation projects that are being facilitated by native speakers and nationals in the country they are working.  TSC comes along side a project and provides training, computer equipment, office supplies, and the living expenses for the translators family.

The OneVerse Bloggers are working together to sponsor the Vidunda project in Tanzania.  More than 60% of the Vidunda people consider themselves Christian.  However many of them still hang amulets on their children to protect them from evil spirits and curses. Because they have been hearing Scripture in a language foreign to them, most Vidunda people have little idea what is actually teaches.

Damas and Kiliani, Vidunda translators

The work of Bible translation is long and intense, as the translators work word by word,  verse by verse, to accurately produce a translation that will be used by the language community.  For $26 you can sponsor one verse of scripture.   Imagine being responsible for Matthew 14:14 You would be responsible for them learning that Jesus has the power to heal!

"When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick."

You can get involved by clicking the button at the top of the left sidebar or below to sign up as a partner.  OneVerse at a time the Vidunda will get their New Testament, join us in being a part of it.  

Bible Stacks: Scripture Wealth

We're linking up with the other OneVerse bloggers today, check out the other posts and add yours at Meredith's blog!

We bought Lydia, my daughter her first Bible recently, it made me consider how many Bibles we own. I mentioned this to my family. So we went on a hunt. We gathered them from around the house, we even pulled a box out of storage. We had Bibles of all shapes and sizes, different translations, one with pictures, one on CD for use on the computer and many were sitting in a box unused. Scripture Wealth.

It wasn't until our family got involved with Wycliffe that I began to realize how much I take having the Bible for granted. While we have extra Bibles sitting in a box collecting dust, there are people around the world who can't wait to get their hands on even a portion of scripture in their language. For Aksamina, a language helper for the Berik people of Indonesia, it was her dying wish for her husband, Essau, to help finish the translation for their language.  Essau saw their New Testament dedicated in 1993.

JOIN US!
I challenge you to discover how wealthy you are in scriptures.  Do the same exercise and share your thoughts with us.  One lucky person with get their thoughts shared on the OneVerse blog and get a free t-shirt.  You can link up with us at Meredith's blog or if you don't have a blog you can share with us on the OneVerse Facebook Wall. What are you waiting for, go discover your wealth and show the world!

Faith to walk on water, Again

When Peter got out of the boat to walk on water with Jesus it was his faith that let him experience his own miracle.  This miracle occurred immediately after Jesus fed the 5000 and the disciples watched him multiply a modest lunch for one person to feed thousands with leftovers.  The first experience grew Peter's faith to make the second one possible.  In 2010 we grew in faith as we obediently followed God's call to ministry with Wycliffe Bible Translators.  In April Bob quit his job so we could focus full time on preparing to go to Nigeria.  We saw God do amazing things and we experienced how he met our needs.  We have the faith now to trust God as we change course and leave full time ministry.  God was faithful then and he is doing it again.

We have been working on our new course for a few weeks now and God is showing up.  When Bob started looking for a new job, he called his previous supervisor to see if there was any chance of coming back or openings in the department, there weren't any.  He searched online and found a dozen jobs and applied.  One of the jobs has called him back and he is almost through the 5-part interview process.  It looks promising and we should know within a week or two.  A few days ago, Bob's previous supervisor tracked him down again and let him know that someone is leaving and the position is one Bob previously held.  What a God we serve, that in this economy God is preparing a place for us.  

400 Posts!

Wow!  I have been blogging for a long time.  I started this blog in 2007 as a way to keep our family involved in our lives when we moved away from home as newlyweds.  Its had many transformations and its growing still today.  I'm taking the time to highlight the top ten popular posts on the blog in celebration of my blogging milestone.  Enjoy!

10. We Made It to Illinois!
9. Cynthia's Thoughts: Change vs Transition
8. ICC - Date Change
7. Cynthia's Thoughts: "I am the same God"
6. The stuff in our lives
5. We're Official!
4. Third Thursday Blog Hop: The Power of the Sun...
3. Birth Story- Caleb Robert
2. What's Next: Dealing with Depression
1. Replaceable

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"Holes" in the Bible

The Bible gives us the highlights of people's lives, but what happened in the “holes”, the places where the Bible doesn't tell us what happened, is just as important. However, it's hard to remember that when you're in one. I read a book by Alicia Britt Chole called “Anonymous”, that are about Jesus' “hidden years” before His ministry began.  What happened in people's lives before and after the “Sunday School story” that they're famous for?

Consider the two-year “hole” in Joseph's life at the end of Genesis 40 after he interpreted the cupbearer's dream and Joseph's own release.  He continued to have hope even when it looked like God and people had abandoned him.

What about the 10-day “hole” in Jeremiah 42 (chapters 39-43 give you the context). In this hole, the people went from being obedient servants of God, to refusing to listen to God in 10 days!  The delay showed that their hearts were more given over to fear than to faith in God.

What about Esther in Chapter 2? What quiet steps of obedience helped prepare her for the extraordinary steps of obedience and faith that would be asked of her when the stakes were high?

In these examples their faithfulness or unfaithfulness in the quiet, mundane seasons of waiting and working set them up for success or failure when God's “big story” found them and swept them up. We're trying to learn to be patient and diligent in the day-to-day, ordinary things in life that are ultimately responsible for building our character.

Where are you working patiently, preparing for Him to do something great with you?

Today I"m linking up with Better Mom

January Newsletter

Our January Newsletter is available now.  Already this year has been one of tough decisions and severe soul-searching for us. Our plans have changed significantly. I alluded to the big changes that are in store here.  You can download the newsletter here.


This is our final newsletter as members of Wycliffe.  Due to some health issues we are resigning from Wycliffe, so we can settle and focus on getting well.  We are leaving the door open to rejoin the organization in the future.  Our immediate future is uncertain, but we are continuing to trust God as we have for the last 12 months to meet our needs.  We are planning at this time to relocate, once again, to Orlando, where we feel most at home as a family.  


This blog isn't going anywhere but we are praying about how we can intentionally use it in our new season of life.  Stay tuned for new things!

Merry Christmas!

We want to say thank you to all those who have supported us during this faith-filled year.  God has done amazing things in us this year and we look forward to 2012 with excitement. We would like to share with you a short video that Wycliffe produced to say thanks!